Presidential bulges. Babies, cocaine, and head injuries. Concussed children peeing themselves while falling asleep in their mom's closet. Alcoholic daddies and kids at bars. Bedtime lullabies and other serial killer stories, plus: reviewing serial killers on Google. Went to the Democratic National Convention, stayed for the free abortions (Terms and conditions apply). What about that Trump statue? What if ... he has a huge hog? Would he talk about it? Of course he would. And: what if his hog was actually a small baby? That, and more reasons to burn your computer.

Baseball's Darryl Strawberry, as read by Joe Cocozzello. Touching base with your family because of a natural disaster, and other family reunions. (In other words, send someone a goddamn postcard, sometime.) Where do you get your podcasts? And, when oyster farts stop you from making love to your wife.

The cost benefit analysis for alcoholism. Suffering from going out and seeing the world. Processing the overvaluation of everything. Presidential quotes and tea time before an important conversation about merch. Mortality rampant on the mind, Joe wants to Sammy Davis his way into Judaism. In a nod to world peace, a note on the shared love of cock-snipping across religions and cultures. God Bless America: The Wienermobile's first glorious century. Hot-dog drones and little hot-dogs with wheels that make the little boy in everyone want to yell, "Mommy, look! I'm riding a wiener!"

Joey and Joe get down to it. Cigarettes after sex. Going back in time. Willy Wonka is a straight twink, and that's just how it is now.

Joey reviews the Morgan Library and welcomes guests inside his own Gilded Age mansion for cigars, live piano by an underpaid Nicaraguan immigrant, and stories of his end of life wishes to prolong his important philanthropic work made possible by Middle Eastern oil investments. Also: atheist Sundays, unfaithful pastors, awful music, not enough donuts, and how to break your marriage vows without ruining your life (or your marriage). And, an observation about nothing. Don’t miss the Vatican’s Best Films list, which results in a divine 404 page (are you lost?), an unholy list of Catholic topics, an ominous press release about the Pope, a suspect phone greeting from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops media office, and a contender for most overtly gay homepage in all of Christianity. And, of course, Hell and the new Plague. Today’s ad is for a random Japanese place in Midtown. We don't remember the name.

Joe Cocozzello teaches Joey about censorship, and Noam Chomsky calls in with a surprisingly hopeful vision for the future. Also: what ever happened to Tom from Myspace? Plus: our pitch for the next great Mission Impossible. And of course: Che and Joey discuss the art of making plans, and consider the pros and cons of burning Toni Morrison's books in order to keep prisoners at bay.